Saint Ethelbrugha

Ethelbrugha has never been officially recognised by the Papacy as a saint, and it is doubtful whether she actually existed. Her legend is as follows:-
   Ethelbrugha was the daughter of an Anglo-Saxon nobleman. Even as a young girl, she would berate her parents' relatives and guests for the immorality of their lives. This often led to her being spanked or caned, but she was in no ways deterred; and later she behaved in the same way towards prsoective husbands chosen by her father. Finally he gave up the struggle in disgust and sent her off to be a nun.
   There she soon gathered round her a community of likeminded sisters, but even when she was an abbess she would still allow herself to be beaten, as a token of humility. How she died is not known.
   In the 13th century an order of nuns who claimed Ethelbrugha as their inspiration was suppressed by order of Pope Innocent III because of the "scandalous" lives of its members.
   Ethelbrugha is commemmorated in a handful of chaurches. She is depicted in just one late-Victorian stained-glass window, bearing her symbol, a cane. It is believed that the donor was the poet A.C.Swinburne. 
   A few years ago an extraordinary earthernware figurine was discovered, dating from the early 16th century. It shows Saint Ethelbrugha with her bottom bared. Scholarly debate continues on whether it was a devotional object, or the work of a Protestant artisan ridiculing her cult.
   Ethelbrugha has recentlybeen hailed as the patron saint of flagellants, spankers and BDSM enthusiasts. The Vatican has yet to pronounce on the matter. 

Kardashia Stories part 1

 One of the oddest Kardashian legends is that they were the only country in the world to have been invaded both by the Swedes and the Chinese. For a long time this was dismissed as a mere folk-tale, but recently dramatic new evidence has emerged suggesting that the story may well be true, for D.N.A. sampling amongst Kardashians has revealed both typical Swedish and Chinese genetic profiles.Kardashia is a small state with a chequered history. Its language is unique,and unintelligible to outsiders. The early history of its peoples is little known.  In early modern times it formed part of the Ottoman Empire, though the Sultan in Istambul rarely exercised much direct control there. It achieved independence in the late 19th century, when a more-than-usually obnoxious German prince was imposed as its monarch. In the Second World War it was occupied by the Nazis, and then disappeared behind the Iron Curtain. It has recently reasserted its independence of both East and West, though it is noticeable that the same government leaders appear to be in control as in the Communist days. The Swedish link must come from remnants of Charles XII's army fleeing southwards after their disastrous defeat by Peter the Great at Poltava in 1709. The source of the Chinese link is less obvious; one guess is that when Mongol forces pulled back from central Europe following the death of Ogdei Khan in 1242, certain Chinese units serving with the Mongol army decided to branch out on their own account.

(More episodes from Kardashian history will follow)

Emily

Emily sprinkled the chocolate shards on her breakfast cappuchino and wondered what picture the random blotches would conjure up in her mind today. But she had no time to waste daydreaming, so she took a quick snap of it with her mobile and then slurped it down before hurrying off to work. Later on, she could observe it at leisure, or even discuss it with her friends to see what they made of it.

Sometimes it was a fish, and once it was a rodeo rider whirling a lariat, but most often it was a dog. Emily loved dogs. Yes, this one was a dog: a short-legged, flop-eared little mutt, standing on its hind legs and looking straight at her. A dachshund or terrier of some kind; how cute!

Examining the photo again before she went to bed, Emily noticed that the dog appeared to be wearing glasses, and carried a bag or basket in its left paw. So, a cartoon dog. Perhaps the pictures she’d seen on previous days had been cartoon creatures too. Now that was an idea: stories about cartoon animals and people that came to life on a cup of cappuchino! She could become a famous children’s author! Emily was confident that she might have the ability to do this, but doubted whether she would have the time or the energy. She enjoyed her job, which was an important and responsible one, and well remunerated, but it was very exhausting, and often she felt completely drained when she came home. This was one of those evenings. As she sat slumped in her chair, she wondered what was in the dog’s bag, and the answer came into her head, “Cocaine”. Now that would make it something very different, she mused: a cartoon for adults, dark and probably violent …..

In bed, waiting to go to sleep, she wondered; Why did cocaine suddenly occur to her then? Was it something to do with that colleague at work, a senior director, no less, whom they suspected of being a user? And didn’t he once hint to her that she might like to visit him and try some? But Emily didn’t want to go there, and she had avoided the issue by pretending that she hadn’t understood the hint.

She was still picturing the little dog with the mysterious basket when she fell asleep.      

Granny's Adventure

(Recently, a group of friends had a discussion lamenting the fact that adventure stories all featured young men, and there was never a central role for adventurous grandmothers. We resolved to remedy the situation. This is the start of my Granny story …)

When Eva Mansfield dropped the third stitch she cast her knitting aside in disgust. At this rate she was never going to get the jumper finished in time for her youngest granddaughter’s birthday. Besides, what was the point? The child would have grown out of it in six months; and anyway, with the cost of postage to Australia, it would be easier for them to buy her something out there.

She felt only blank despair. It’s as though someone was squatting on top of me, sucking all the life out of me, she thought. I can’t concentrate, I’ve got no energy, nothing gets done.

“Oh, Tiddles!” she said to the large black and white cat which lay sprawled on the hearthrug, “Whatever am I going to do, Tiddles?”

“I wish you wouldn’t keep calling me that”, the cat replied.

“I mean, it’s not a very dignified name, is it?” he continued, as Eva gawped, “But I suppose it’ll have to do for the moment. We haven’t much time. You want to be rid of this black oppression, right?”

“How … how do you know about that?” Eva quavered.

“Well, you’ve told me about it often enough! Now, there is a chance for you to escape, but it’ll involve you making a journey: quite a long journey; and meeting certain people. There are dangers involved, but I think you should take the risk”.

“Should I get my things together?” she asked, hesitantly.

“There’s no need. But you’d better take that knitting needle. It’s quite sharp: you might need it”.

“You mean as a weapon?”

“It’s all we’ve got; it’ll have to do for now”.

Suddenly Eva was transported back to her childhood, when she had loved the stories of Tolkien and C.S.Lewis and had dreamed that one day she too could go on a journey to a land of magic and wonder. But that had been years and years ago, before her Troubles had begun…

Quickly, she dismissed the last thought from her mind. With a greater sense of resolution than she had felt for many years, and without even bothering to get her coat, Eva Mansfield strode to the door and stepped out across the threshold.  

Fragment of a Border Ballad

Having been brought up in the Lake District, I've always loved the Border Ballads; those anonymously-composed tales of the turbulent, lawless world of the Scots-English frontier in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, featuring the deeds of the Rievers; the clans of Grahams, Nixons, Eliots and others who terrorised the  villagers and farmers on both sides of the border. No doubt this was the reason why one morning, awaking from a dream, I found I had the following lines of verse in my mind:-

"Young Jamie Hepburn was a braw lad,
He thought the Kirk ould no' do wi'out him.
He went to Bothwell Brig with a feather in his hat
And the Covenant lords all about him".

I tried to construct how these lines had come about. The start was easy enough: I once knew someone called Jamie Hepburn, and the Hepburns, Earls of Bothwell, were a powerful Borders family, the lords of Hermitage castle; their most notorious member being the lover of Mary Queen of Scots. I also knew that the Kirk was the Scottish Presbyterian church. But what was Bothwell Brig, and how did it link to what followed? This remained mysterious until I learned from Walter Scott's historical novel, "Old Mortality" that Bothwell Brig was a battle in which in 1679 the government forces under the Duke of Monmouth and James Graham of Claverhouse crushed the Covenanters; the extreme Presyterian rebels following the outlawing of the Kirk after the restoration of the monarchy. This accounted for the references to the Kirk and the Covenant Lords. Now I suppose I must have come across the story of Bothwell Brig some time earlier, but if so, I had totally forgotten it. 

Of course, my fragment won't really do as a proper Border Ballad. The Border was pacified after the union of the Scots and English crowns under James I in 1603, and although the violent world of the ballads overlapped with the establishment of the Presbyterian Kirk in the 16th century, it was long past by the time of the Covenant and Bothwell Brig. Furthermore, the Border Ballads are notorious for their lack of any trace whatsoever of Christianity, whether Catholic, Anglican or Presbyterian. They are entirely pagan in spirit; telling of raids and feuds, heroism and betrayal, and the heroic deeds of men who were really no more than thieves, cut-throats and cattle-rustlers ("Ma name is little Jock Eliot; Wha dares to meddle wi' me?"). Their values and virtues were pagan ones: principally physical courage, followed by promise-keeping and generosity: their vices cowardice, followed by faithlessness towards one's overlords or retainers. In fact it was a world-view scarcely different from that of the Viking sagas, or even of Homer. 

(The story of the Borders and their violent history can be found in "The Steel Bonnets" by George MacDonald Fraser) 

James's Lists

James liked to compile lists. Ever since he was a schoolboy he'd carefully noted down places he'd visited, movies he'd seen, records he'd bought, books he'd read, letters he'd written and received, money he'd earned and spent; even notes on the weather. His lists grew to fill many exercise books, and on occasion he'd look through them and reflect on how, like the great diarists of the past, he was compiling a valuable document of social history. Even in his final illness he was able to record, with a shaky hand, how he'd spent the past three days in hospital.
    After James died, his lists were all thrown away.

Astrology

My horoscope said that
the events of the week
would improve my morals
so I'm waiting.

(I know it was a misprint
for morale
but surely mistakes of this kind
must be inspired?)