James's Lists

James liked to compile lists. Ever since he was a schoolboy he'd carefully noted down places he'd visited, movies he'd seen, records he'd bought, books he'd read, letters he'd written and received, money he'd earned and spent; even notes on the weather. His lists grew to fill many exercise books, and on occasion he'd look through them and reflect on how, like the great diarists of the past, he was compiling a valuable document of social history. Even in his final illness he was able to record, with a shaky hand, how he'd spent the past three days in hospital.
    After James died, his lists were all thrown away.

Astrology

My horoscope said that
the events of the week
would improve my morals
so I'm waiting.

(I know it was a misprint
for morale
but surely mistakes of this kind
must be inspired?)

Reunions

You haven't seen Philip for twenty years
and you think, well,
he might have a better job than me
but he looks a lot older than me.
And Philip looks at you
and maybe he thinks the same.

A Disappearance and an Appearance

I know a church on the Staffordshire-Derbyshire border where there is a most unusual tomb. It is a plain chest, about 3 feet high, without any inscription or decoration, on which lie two recumbent figures, whom I presume are man and wife, though this can be no more than speculation, since neither is visible. Both are entirely covered in long shrouds, which I would have to say are meticulously well carved by the long-dead monumental mason. But before any hunter-down of curiosities who might read this decides to visit the church, I must stress that there WAS such a tomb, because the figures are no longer there. They vanished some time ago, and have never been found, though I do have an idea of what might have become of them. But it’s a strange story.

          I first discovered the church, in a village which I shall call Maxton, when I was out on a walk. I can’t resist passing an old church without taking a look inside, and there was this remarkable tomb, like no other I had ever seen, without any information as to whom might have built it, or why it took this strange form. I looked in vain for any guidebook to the church offered for sale, or even a postcard, which I thought sadly neglectful. Fortunately I had on my person the bible for all haunters of churches, namely the relevant volume of Pevsner‘s Buildings of England. But even Herr Pevsner wasn’t greatly informative.

          “Maxton. Holy Cross. Nave c. 13. Tower and s. aisle much restored 1850s. Chancel e. window of 5 lights (etc etc). Chest tomb, said to date from 1590s, a member of Benville family and wife, but no inscription; alabaster effigies, both figures completely shrouded; grotesque”

          And then, a few lines later:-

          “Maxton hall, 1/2 mile w. of village. Once the seat of the Benville family. Only traces now remain”

          “That’s not very helpful!” I commented to a man who was standing near the tomb.

          “It’s a load of rubbish”, he informed me. “Pevsner didn’t know what he was talking about. I could have told him better”

          I was depressingly familiar with his type: an amateur local historian, whose greatest pleasure was to discover an error in the work of a major writer: the fact that the error might be of the utmost triviality not signifying at all. Sure enough, it only required a few words of encouragement from me to cause him to launch forth with his own ideas.

          “For a start, the real name of the family wasn’t Benville, it was de la Benneville”, he informed me. “And the date should be the 1570s. This tomb is Sir Robert de la Benneville and his wife Eleanor. They were cousins too, because the family was always very inbred and in consequence a bit strange to say the least. This pair were said to be quite spectacularly ugly, and they weren’t liked in the neighbourhood: in fact they were suspected of witchcraft, but because they were so rich and powerful, nothing could be done. Then they both died together, in mysterious circumstances, and locals said it was by visitation of the devil; so that there was a move to deny them burial in the church; but they were childless and had left all their money to the church on condition that a proper tomb was erected with them on it, so in the end it was decided to build a tomb, but with these shrouded effigies we’ve got here.

          “Some people think the church is haunted by them”, he added, entirely predictably. “There are stories ….”

          I feared he might go on like this for ever, so I interrupted to say that he really ought to write a guidebook for the church himself; and again, entirely true to type, he muttered something about quarrels with the vicar, and in any case not having the time. I disengaged myself from his company as politely as I could, and departed in search of a pub for my lunch.

 

           There the matter rested until a couple of years later, when we were visited by friends from the south who loved visiting old churches, and it occurred to us that they would probably never have seen anything like the Benville (or should it be de la Benneville?) tomb. So we drove them over to Maxton that afternoon; but on arrival we were astonished to find police cars in attendance and the church surrounded by red and white scene-of-the-crime tape. My friend the local historian was, I was relieved to notice, absent, but a man who was obviously the vicar was standing by.

          “There’s been a break-in”, he said, in answer to the obvious enquiry.

          “Was anything taken?”

          “It’s very strange. There were two peculiar figures on a tomb. Oh, so you know about them? Well, they’ve gone!”

          “Gone?”

          “Yes, they’ve completely disappeared; heaven knows how! Nothing else seems to have been touched. Why would anyone want to do that? And how was it done? They must have been very heavy! And what’s even odder is that there’s no sign of a forced entry anywhere, though I’m absolutely certain I locked up the night before. It’s a Yale lock, you know. I can only think that someone must have been hiding inside the church when I locked the door, and then opened it from the inside. But even then, several men must have been involved, and how they dislodged the figures and then carried them out without waking up half the village, I really don’t know! The police are baffled.

          “It’s almost as if the figures got up from the tomb themselves, and walked out, isn’t it!”

 ………………………………..................................................

Some time later I found an item in the local paper, which informed me that a derelict barge had been found sunk in the Trent-Mersey canal and had had to be hoisted at no little cost. What had caused excitement was the fact that human bones had been discovered inside the wreck. Pathologists had identified them as belonging to a man and a woman, but had been mystified on finding that both had been dead for a very long time; probably several centuries.

I’d a good mind to return to Maxton church and tell my story to my friend the amateur historian. I’m sure he’d have been fascinated. But somehow I just can’t face it..

Neston

Paul had been studying late, and he fell asleep at his desk and dreamed a very intense dream.
   He was lying on the deck of a wooden sailing-vessel. He could hear the creak of oars, and above him a white sail strained in the breeze. Raising himself on his elbow, he saw he was sailing up a mighty river. The sun, shining over the stern of the boat, was hot. Presently a man came over to him and spoke to him in a language of which he understood not a single word. A feeling of intense loneliness swept over Paul, and he awoke.
   Some time later, Paul dreamed the same dream again, but this time with more certainty. As he lay on the boat-deck, he knew who he was and where he was. Men called him Neston (not his real name, but he accepted it), and he was journeying up the River Nereth. He supposed he was about forty years old, though he had never known the year or place of his birth. His body held many scars, for he had been a warrior and adventurer for all his adult life. But recently fortune had deserted him, and he had nothing left but his sword and a few gold coins concealed in his belt. He was tired of adventure, and sought a quieter life; so he was on his way to the Twin Cities, the centre of a great empire, hoping to take service as the bodyguard of some lord. This time,when the man approached him, he recognised the Twin Cities language.
   "Not far to go now. We'll be docking this evening. Have you been tot he Twin Cities before? If not, you'd better know that no weapons may be taken inside the walls without authorisation, so you'd better find somewhere to stow your sword". 
   Neston was still pondering this problem when Paul woke up.

(To be continued) 

Gerry's Journey

(This was a vivid dream. It appears to be a scene from an epic fantasy story. I don't know what should precede it, or come next)

................................................................................................. 

The little group of travellers made their way along the mountain track, following their leaders, the old greybearded wizard and the tall, beautiful Elven lady. They were Gerry and his two companions (though in truth he had only met them at the start of the journey) and a strange young man who had joined them later. He was most inappropriately dressed, in a suit and tie, and clutched obsessively at a briefcase, which he refused to put down even when they stopped for a rest.
   They crossed the mountains and came to a wide valley, where there was a farm. They laid down in a field. It was a dry and warm night and they soon fell asleep.
   Gerry awoke before the others. The wizard and the lady went to consult the farmer, and Gerry explored behind a barn, where he found water to wash himself. When he rejoined the others, he looked through his bag and was astonished at the random collection of objects he had packed for the journey. Why on earth had he brought a wineglass? "And I only have one clean shirt!" he exclaimed. "What will I do when I meet the King?"
   "You'll have to wash it!" replied one of the others, and laughed.

   The wizard and the lady returned. "It seems the Wolf isn't far away", he told them. "We will have to overcome it - or tame it".
   The lady turned to him. "The success of our mission will depend on my death." she announced quietly. The wizard said nothing, for he knew that she could discern far into the future.
   After a long silence, she repeated, "My death", but then added, fiercely, "But I will not be bound by fate!"
   The strange young man clutching the briefcase now approched the wizard. "I must go back!" he said.
   "You cannot go back", he was told, "When we crossed the mountains, we entered another world. There can be no return".
   The young man said, "I am carrying drugs to be delivered. But when I looked in my case, there were no drugs: just twists of newspaper containing only sand!"
   "That too is fate", the wizard told him.

Anxieties

Nigel said to his doctor, "I've had a very strange dream, and it's been worrying me. I thought I was lying on the ground, naked, reading a book, when up comes this young girl,about nine or ten, and she's naked as well. She snuggles up to me and we cuddle and chat. Nothing much else happens, but then I realise I'm having an enormous erection, which she's bound to notice, and then I woke up. I'm very anxious about it all. Does it mean I'm a potential paedophile? What do you think?
   The doctor said, "Now isn't that strange? I've had much the same sort of dream myself. We'd better go and discuss it, and look at a few pictures to see what stimulates us".